Insecurity

in•se•cu•ri•ty

/ˌɪn sɪˈkyʊər ɪ ti/

–noun, plural -ties.

1.lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.
2.the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position
3.something insecure: the many insecurities of life.

You know how sometimes you see other people and you wish that you could be just like them? To just want to have what they have or achieve what they achieve. It’s like by looking at that person you started to see yourself in the mirror and reflect. Seeing your flaws and seeing what you have yet to achieve so far in your short life. I don’t know about others but for me it causes stirs of undercurrents deep within me. Every time I see someone whom I think is better than me at something, a monster wakes up and feeds from my self-esteem.

I know that I might sound shallow but for me, physical appearance matters a lot and it is actually one of my deepest underlying insecurities. I’m not completely vain or anything it’s just that it’s very hard for me to actually feel confident about the way I look. I know that I’m not the best looking one in the lot, and I suppose I never really felt satisfied with the way I look and all. This whole spark of insecurities came up when I saw some actor and kind of wished that I could have had his life. Silly, I know, and yet don’t we all feel that way sometimes?

Some of my friends know that I have this obsession to be absolutely perfect in every way possible. This is the reason why I take up a lot of stuff, from piano, painting, tennis, to student leadership. I can’t really remember when this whole obsession started but since I was small I already have this need to achieve and excel in everything that I do. Call me over-ambitious but that’s just me. Looking at it from my point of view right now, it’s like I am stuck in an infinite loop. My insecurities caused me to have this ambition towards perfection and my ambition continues to fuel these insecurities as one knows that there is no way for a person to be perfect in every way, there will always be a way to improve and to better yourself.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror we always know that there are always things that we could improve on, be it in terms of our physical appearances, characters or even our lives. And I know how hard it is to try and accept the things that you cannot change. Insecurities are always present in every human whether or not they admit it. It’s a part of what makes us human. The fact that none of us are perfect will always give us some room for improvement for ourselves, some things for us to covet, some things we wish to change.

When managed properly and controlled, insecurities can actually be good for us as sometimes insecurities will help you to reflect and see the things that you could do to improve yourself. However when insecurities get out of hand that’s when it becomes a monster that will start to devour you from within (I keep referring to bad things as monsters for lack of a better word). When left unchecked insecurities can grow like cancer, attacking your vital self esteem, crippling it and may cause you to completely lose confidence of yourself and what you can do.

None of us are perfect and we should accept that. Even in my case as much as I strive for perfection I do realize that this is a futile quest. The reason that I am still on it is because it allows me to push myself beyond boundaries, get me out of my comfort zone to expand my horizons, and hopefully allow me to be the best that I can be. I know that I can never be a handsome actor or model, and yet I don’t hate myself for it. I feel pangs of insecurities here and there, but I know that it will pass, so long as I still respect myself for who I am and be confident of myself (and how I look). Sometimes insecurities can seem like a big scary monster but we all have the choice and the power to control it. It is when you can finally come to terms with the things that you cannot change and respect yourself no matter what that you can control the monsters of insecurities.